I conquered high over the forest, with the gentle breeze gliding through my feathers. I look around at my surroundings, embracing its beauty. I lay still, like rock. My body was in a deep sleep, but as always I was alert and ready. For some this is just a dream, a goal. For me this is a reality. I was reminiscing over my previous attacks, but also the future outbreak I was prepared for.
The height at which I perch, is an advantage.
The soft breeze and warming sun compliment my attack. The sky lights single out my victims; my view is so dominant, it is as if the world and everything in it has it’s vision on me. Now I am in control.
I can feel the bark in my grasp,: my nails pierced into the branch.
The fresh smell of nature moves within the atmosphere.
Every detail, has been adapted in evolution, everything created before me has led up to this. My claws appear hand crafted too precision. Its beauty is overwhelming. I am an extraordinary freak of nature. My claws have such power, such anger and aggressiveness within them.
I take the innocent enemy from it’s safety. I decide where I kill my prey. It is mine. It is my choice.
I do not feel guilty. Its just a part of nature: anything more powerful would do the same to me.
My common individuality, ripping body parts from each other. I watch the blood pour down the oak tree, slowly. Such a beautiful sight to me. This is death, everyone comes to an end sooner or later, i guarantee nothing will stop me, the death of this is my goal.
(Changes to prey)
I look far into the distance, trying to focus on my opponent, but the sun blinds my eyes. I myself have witnessed murders before, its routine for him but a tragedy for us. This is how things will stay. No changes will be made.
.
January 20, 2015 at 8:06 pm
Akira, this shows your creativity. However, it doesn’t really respond to the set task. You have transformed the original poem into another poem. It should be a piece of narrative writing!
Some of the phrases you have used here are beautiful. A particular strength is the repetition of ‘It is mine’. It gives the bird a possessive quality, almost comparable to an addict. This doesn’t, however, offset the lack of appropriateness of the response.
Targets:
1) Flesh out your poetic sentences into fully formed, descriptive ones. You should show a range of simple, compound and complex sentences.
2) Extend some of the imagery contained within your piece. Think of some of the symbolic features of the bird and work from there.
3) Use the 5 senses a little more fully to develop your work.
4) Structure your work using paragraphs with a clear logical sequence.
Current mark: 18/40